It's amazing how quickly I can empty my brain of seemingly useless information. A few days away from school and I've already forgotten how to read speed limit signs as I race off to the next graduation party while grooving to stoner music. And I wonder why no one wants to hire me.
Everyday is the same thing. It's become predictable to the point where I don't even see why I need to waste pages in my journal detailing each day when I could just as easily write, "See yesterday." I wake up, I practice piano, I waste time on the internet, I party, I chill, I read, and I sleep. Eating is a constant activity throughout all of this. I hate waking up, my piano's out of tune again, even my Facebook addiction is wearing off (Facebook really alters the meaning of the word "friend"), graduation parties mean getting fat and seeing the same group of friends over and over and over again (I love them, but I'm not seeing anyone new), hanging out and talking after parties usually just ends with my being sad about something (probably the fact that I don't have a hot tub like Nathalia's), my list of books to read is forever growing, and I've already successfully screwed up my sleeping patterns. I love eating. I need some more variety in my life.
The fact that I've just been feeling detached from reality probably isn't helping either though. I'll THINK that I'm happy or sad or bored but I won't FEEL happy or sad or bored. I'm actually not even thinking that much anymore and when I do, it doesn't make sense. If I see a street, I cross it ... Nevermind the honking car shooting down the street towards me. I feel the desire to do something and I do it. I want to say something and it just comes out of my mouth. Who cares about what's going on around me? I'm only half-listening to things people say while thinking about who knows what ... If you asked, I probably wouldn't be able to tell you what I just heard or what I was turning over in my mind. I've stopped thinking, "OK, I'm going to do this now." It just sort of happens. By the next day I can't remember details of the previous day. It's as if I'm permanently getting that feeling I get everytime I'm performing or being recognized for something. Before I dance onto stage or walk into a scene to recite my lines I'm overly aware of my surroundings, but then when I begin playing the piano in a recital or I'm walking across the stage to get my diploma I'm not conscious of anything until I'm back in the audience or hidden in the wings. I couldn't tell you what was happening around me. I couldn't remember what I was thinking. I couldn't recall what I heard. I couldn't remember if I did this step or said this line or shook his hand. At one point my mind just blocks everything out and I become a robot on autopilot, going through the motions without realizing it, and after the fact, I only have very vague memories. It's hard to explain, but this is how I've been for a while now. Nothing matters that much and I don't get that worked up about anything. "Oh, that's cool. Man, that sucks. Hahaha, that is hilarious!" I know how I'm supposed to think and feel and react, but it doesn't happen and I just perform the actions that I'm expected to.
I need to light something on fire.
.There There - Radiohead.
