sponJaneous life

Monday, June 12, 2006

Our metaphors shall never die!

When the moment finally came it was bittersweet.

It just hasn't clicked and it probably never will, but I've graduated. I have my diploma and I'm leaving high school. I am a Fox Chapel Area High School alumna now. I won't be returning to high school, groaning on a Monday morning or standing on the street corner known as my bus stop ever again. I'm not going to walk through those halls as a student seeing the peers I've seen for the past thirteen years ever again. I'm not going to yell in that stadium or perform on that stage again. Even if I keep visiting, no one will remember me after three years ... after the freshmen of my senior year have graduated.

Thirteen years of my life -- thirteen years of learning, remembering, celebrating, destroying, joking, losing, caring, creating, working, suffering, loving, discovering, forgetting, winning, and everything else under the sun -- were summed in one last ceremony, of which by the end I was caught between loudly cheering and quietly mourning. It's still a rather strange concept for me to grasp, that I've graduated. I've spent thirteen years of my life working up to this point and it's just surreal. When I've only been alive for seventeen years, thirteen is a large portion of that, but ultimately, the time I spent in school will be a much smaller part of my life.

I've known some of my friends for just about the same amount of time but who knows which ones I'll keep. It's like always going to your favorite restaurant and always having your favorite dish. You know just what to expect and you know that you'll be satisfied, but every now and then you cannot help but wonder what else is out there. I always want to try new things and meet new people, but I don't want to leave my favorites behind because I like them so much, and I tell myself: Next time. Next time I will try something new, but for right now, I need to have my favorite one more time. One more time. I just need to keep seeing everyone one more time. We keep telling each other nothing will change, that we'll always be the best of friends, but how can any of us be completely sure? Yeah yeah, it's all up to us, but people change. It becomes hard to find them. It was terrifying to stand next to certain people yesterday, to be talking and laughing with them, when I was almost certain that I will never see them again. It was heart-breaking to hug and kiss people who I thought I would care about until my dying day only to realize that they would probably just become "ten minutes of passion" in my life. I don't want to lose anyone. I know it's one of the most difficult things to get through when you lose a person due to death, but imagine losing someone who you know is still alive and out there somewhere, but you just can't find them. And maybe some just don't want to be found. Some people want to say goodbye and I'll only struggle through three months of summer attempting to save our friendship in vain.

I realize this sounds depressing, but I had to get it off of my chest at one point this summer. I'll spend the rest of my days trying not to fear the future. Instead I'll attempt to treat every day with my friends as the last while knowing (or in some cases hoping) that it isn't. For now, all I have to say is that I love you. Please don't ever hesitate to contact me in some way because you think that it will seem awkward. Awkwardness is pretty much my life story and is a non-issue. And keep August 12th open.

Who ever thought I'd get so sentimental? I feel so old.

Posted at 6/12/2006 1:53:52 am by sponJaneous
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Thursday, June 08, 2006

Remember that time when ...

I think I did this once before, but seeing as how I'm sure a lot has happened since December 2004 and it's almost commencement, I'm curious again. So:

Post a comment with any memories of me. Then post this in your journal to see what people remember about you. (I have a ton of memories about all of you guys.)

Even if you've never commented before and will probably never comment again, I'd appreciate it if you did just this once. If need be, I suppose it could be anonymous, despite the fact that I REALLY DISLIKE nameless comments.

Posted at 6/8/2006 11:30:18 am by sponJaneous
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Sunday, June 04, 2006

Just laugh it up.

To a certain extent, I don't decide who Jane is ... the people around me and their perceptions of me make me who I am. Put a different way, it doesn't matter how I act, it's what everyone else takes away from my performance. AND, of course, context is always an issue.

I don't really change my personality from scenario to scenario, but depending on who I'm with or where I am, my status seems to change for some reason. The only time I guess I really change is if I'm by myself around new people; I get terribly shy, but everyone likes to confuse this with coldness. To the majority of Fox Chapelites I'm Jane the Loser, but to my close friends and everyone else outside of Fox Chapel I'm Jane the Slightly Weird But Overall Still Interesting and Fun Girl. I don't know if it's just a Fox Chapel thing, but people living outside of the bubble are definitely more accepting. Most in Fox Chapel probably think that I might mar their reputation but outside of it there are many, believe it or not, who enjoy my company. The thing is I don't change anything about me or what I do from one event to the next. Maybe I'm slightly happier in the real world than in Fox Chapel because I hate the latter.

What is it about not going to Fox Chapel that allows a person to see that I'm just a mostly harmless sarcastic cynic with a slightly twisted sense of humor while everyone in Fox Chapel just sees me as a complete freak or something else? I have somehow fooled the people in Fox Chapel into believing that I'm anything from a cold hard bitch to a cheerful optimist, but I guess they just don't know me that well because neither of these perceptions are completely accurate.

Then again, I don't really know who I am either. In a sense I suppose any one's idea of me can be valid; I could be Jane the Sweetheart, Jane the Annoyance, Jane the Jerk, Jane the Drama Queen, Jane the Stranger, Jane the Daredevil, or Jane the Loner. I could be Gossipy Jane, Selfless Jane, Imbecile Jane, Role Model Jane, Dangerous Jane, Superficial Jane, Goody Two Shoes Jane, or Back Stabbing Jane. I could even be, "Whoa, look at those hot girls!" Jane, "Slow down your car, missy!" Jane, or "OH MY GOD, why is that girl clawing at the walls and strangling herself with her hair as her friend who tells weird stories attempts to cut herself with a fork and pretends to burn her face on the stove?!" Jane. Not that anyone has ever said those to me or anything ...

As for me, I have no idea who I am or what I even want. Well, this is a lie. I sort of know what I want; I want to leave Fox Chapel to start over surrounded by lots of gorgeous guys (who can also carry on an intelligent conversation) that I just call my friends and be loved by the world, but everyone would just think that I was a whore. Or, even more likely, I won't find any smart, gorgeous guys (or just smart guys or only gorgeous guys).

Damn the world.

Posted at 6/4/2006 12:09:09 pm by sponJaneous
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Monday, May 29, 2006

"Hey! Your swim suit is really cute ... aha ... oh wait ... "

"So ... aren't you guys glad you can finally go in during adult swim?"

Au contraire, mon ami. Laura and I actually CANNOT go in during adult swim because we're not eighteen until June and October. Did this technicality stop us? Not really. When I was younger I could never really understand the point of adult swim, but now I realize it's all about perspective because several years later adult swim has become my protection against hyper-active children who splash too much. Then again, when Alec Bosler's around I'm apparently going to get pelted with water anyway. Strange how much a person changes in seventeen years. I can hardly believe I was once an energizer bunny-like child who said that I'd never in a million years waste a day just lying out in the sun, but now there's something so comforting about soaking in the vitamin D and cancerous UV rays while squinting at a sudoku puzzle and laughing with friends.

It's been a while since it's actually felt like summer and my mind was blissfully empty. Then I realized that I have school tomorrow. Oh, the world is cruel. It's kind of bitter sweet. I want summer to come so I can spend every worry-free day chilling with friends and attending graduation parties, but I don't want to stop seeing people who I only ever see in school because it's just WEIRD that I'll never see them again. Plus, the sooner summer comes, the sooner it ends, and the sooner everyone leaves to start a new part of their lives. Man ... just when everyone started accepting the fact that I was a bit weird and started realizing that it didn't mean I was a total freak of nature we all leave. Maybe they were thinking along the same lines as I am and everyone's just become a lot more open because, hell, we're never going to see each other again that much anyway; if you don't want to approach me in the future because you find me bizarre, you won't really have to. So far alumni seem to have been able to tolerate me though: Keith came by during Folk Festival to talk even though I was wearing a warrior costume (a hot one) and doing something stupid with a spear and some swords and Dustin and Megan came over to say hello in the pool even though Laura was holding her one arm out of the water like a fruit while I muttered, "IhatekidsIhatekidsIhatekids." I sometimes wonder if I'll change more in the years to come. I find it twisted that I might one day be normal.

I love seeing people who don't mind being near me in public!

Summer needs to come now.

Posted at 5/29/2006 10:03:35 pm by sponJaneous
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Friday, May 26, 2006

An Entry That Blatantly Advertises an Event in which Jane Wu Will Be Performing

So for those who care, the 50th Annual Pittsburgh International Folk Festival (cultural performances, food, displays, sales, etc.) will be running this Friday (4 - 11), Saturday (11 - 11), and Sunday (11 - 8) at the David L. Lawrence Convention Center (East Wing) downtown.

The first day Jane will be performing is:

SATURDAY MAY 27th, 2006
* 4:45 to 5 - "Graceful Ladies" (pretty parisol dance to modern Chinese music) at PNC PARK (a shuttle takes performers down but I dunno about audience members)
* 6:30 to 8:15 (I don't know when in here I'm actually dancing) - "Mulan" (intense martial arts dance involving iron fans, swords, and spears ... none of which are actually functional. damn.) at the convention center on the main stage, which is to the left once you walk in.

But she recommends that you make an appearance to support her on:

SUNDAY MAY 18th, 2006
* 4 to 4:15 - "Spring Festival" (lovely dance with fans and ribbons and JANE'S SOLO!), Chinese Yoyo (it's pretty cool, I recommend watching it while I'm making a costume change backstage), and "Blossom" (another cutesy dance with silk ribbon fan things). All three will be taking place at the convention center on stage two, which is to the right once you walk in. This will end with plenty of time for you to get to Maria's graduation party, which I'll also be attending.

I believe tickets are something like $10 ... no more than that anyway. I would recommend going sometime before my actual performance time to get your money's worth and so that we can perhaps roam the huge, twice-the-size-of-a-football-field center and oooh and ahhh at the trinkets on display. Not going to lie -- Folk Festival is fairly entertaining because there are tons to things to look at and eat. It shall be brilliant.

I can also give a few rides there and back both days ... just let me know. (I think Sunday's the better day to go.)

Posted at 5/26/2006 6:33:23 pm by sponJaneous
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Thursday, May 25, 2006

"SUCK MY ELBOW!"

Anything goes in a theme park, and one will probably observe just about every kind of person in Kennywood. When I was younger the park seemed so much bigger to me, but then again, I guess everything seemed huge to me back when I was so small I actually wasn't allowed on some of the rides. There is no denying though, that the park is still of course rather large (something I somehow noticed from the top of the Pitt Fall while trying to keep Laura from becoming hysterical), yet no matter where one goes, one keeps seeing the same people over and over again. However, at the same time, I'm sure that there were lots of people in the park that I never saw once.

Despite the number of times I saw each person either in passing or a few places behind me in line, I could never learn very much about them. Some people are obviously more easy to figure out than others (there was the poster child for skank whore bags) but I now have to wonder if my perceptions of certain people are correct. I'm sure you're saying that it's not important whether or not I know if I'm thinking along the right lines when it comes to making a generalization about a stranger's personality, but suppose I tweak the perspective just a tad: What about all of the people who passed US in Kennywood and placed us under the wrong category of people? Ok, that doesn't REALLY matter because we'll probably never see each other again, but it's almost funny how one action can define your personality for a complete stranger. So we're all a bit out there at times, but for the most part we can understand what's socially acceptable and what's not (although that doesn't necessarily mean we always do the right thing); people who have to deal with us from day to day can see this. What about the people in Kennywood though? What if they only saw Laura when she was dancing on the merry-go-round or me when I was pulling stuffing out of a stuffed, severed foot and letting it drop to the ground or Gorin when his pants where wet and hitched up? From these small observations they could jump to the conclusion that Laura's retarded, I'm a destructive juvenile delinquent, and Gorin's a homosexual with bladder control problems and these are certainly not completely truthful depictions of us!

Of course, if someone only saw us as a group of high schoolers acting crazy and laughing it up and concluded that we were a bunch of freaks, they were probably correct.

If you are free on Saturday or Sunday afternoon, I would really love it if you came to Folk Festival to watch me dance (my solo's on Sunday around 4 at the Convention Center). Even if you hate me, you should probably go to Folk Festival anyway because it's a good time and we could all probably do with a bit more culture in our lives. Let me know; I have details.

P.S. You don't need to say it ... I know I'm the biggest hypocrite IN THE WORLD.

Posted at 5/25/2006 4:20:03 pm by sponJaneous
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Thursday, May 18, 2006

YES FOR PROCRASTINATION!

Reasons #274, #16, and #5 for why I adore my friends: They have no shame when it comes to whipping out the pelvic thrusts on stage, eating is a big part of daily life, and they're insanely awesome and super fantastic.

I would've never done well in the Elimination Game ... So I just help other people. I find that this vicious and impossible game is rather similar to the microcosm of our high school itself in that it involves everything from rumors to backstabbing and from treachery to gossip. There's even occasional stalking and in some cases extreme embarassment. Yup, this game pretty much simulates a normal high school, which is probably why I wouldn't have lasted long. I would have ended up sitting around hiding and not actively attempting to eliminate someone. I seem to have a problem with waiting around for people to come after me instead of going after people. What can you do. I only enjoy the Elimination Game when it turns into the Stuff Your Face With Food Game because I can WIN that game!

It seems like everytime I go to one of my favorite food places I end up getting food at all of my surrounding favorite food places. My food pyramid would be many servings of Five Guy's grease, Caribou's caffiene, Coldstone's magic, and Rita's sugar. That one corner in Waterworks with the first three above mentioned places is particularly dangerous. I can feel my arteries clogging. What happens when I go to CMU and the food sucks? Jessica and I will ride the bus (for free) down to that corner (deemed the Holy Trinity as of now) and then Rita's on our journeys to die young because of heart attacks. Speaking of Rita's, is anyone else slightly startled that Laura (otherwise known as the crazy girl who bolted up the the aisle last night for no apparent reason) has somehow inducted seemingly half of the chorus queers into her gang of brightly colored icy treats? Hey Schner ... I tried blueberry today, and it was heavenly.

What will I do when my friends all go away? As pathetic and corny as it sounds, I'll randomly get these panicky feelings every now and then about the end of the year coming. I'm happy that I'm about to graduate, but I can't imagine leaving so many things behind ... I know I always complain about Fox Chapel but last night during the concert I actually found myself getting sort of sad. I'm already missing my friends and I'm sort of worried about not seeing people I've never even talked to and I'm bewildered by this, but I realized that I'll just NEVER see them again after June 11th. Isn't that WEIRD? Any chance of ever getting to know any of these people just automatically becomes zero. When I talk about FC people in college no one will know who I'm speaking of. I know I've said that I'd rather play tag with a school bus than to ever go back into those florescent halls of (supposed) learning, but I can't imagine not seeing my underclassmen buddies star in future plays or musicals or chorus concerts. These are also probably good places to run into fellow FC graduates who I wouldn't see otherwise. (It seems that there are some people who I'll only ever see within the confines of Fox Chapel Area High School, and I have to admit that I'm sort of curious about what will become of those people.) What about singing "Hallelujah" in the December concert? How will I ever sing under a choral director other than Craig Cannon? (It actually surprises me that Mr. Cannon never knew quite how crazy I was until this year; he's only known serious Jane up until now. Maybe I just wasn't this crazy before. Maybe I have multiple personalities. That would be freaking AMAZING.)

If you can't tell, I'm ridiculously bored right now and rather than study for econ or stats I think I'll just continue to sit here and wonder if I should give up avoiding the creation of a Myspace. On the one hand, I might be able to keep in touch with people more easily and meet new people and begin my quest up the social ladder at CMU early (and maybe I'll have a date for the senior citizen's prom in 2078; I'd say 72 years is a sufficient amount of time ... but then it appears that 17 years wasn't), but on the other hand, we already converse with people online ... should we meet them that way too? I've always had a thing about talking to people for the first time on the internet or just not face to face. On the THIRD hand, I could be friends with a certain very good looking guy. I don't know. As it is, I waste enough time on the internet; this right here is proof enough.

GOOD LORD! I'm so tempted to eat my arm because it smells like Five Guys -- which means that it smells delicious.

Why can't I verbalize my thoughts in a more coherent and eloquent (or at least interesting) fashion? I do not know.

Vote Mike Haha and Jane (Tommy and Z!) for best dancers! Do it.

Posted at 5/18/2006 4:50:55 pm by sponJaneous
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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

"I still haven't forgiven you guys for stealing my shoes."

Used to be I could count on my fingers the number of times I had flown and I could keep track of each trip (where I was going, where I stopped on the way there, etc.), but that has long since changed. You could almost say that I sort of take this convenient way of travel for granted because I've done it so many times. (Although I'm still amazed every single time the plane lifts off. You could explain the mechanics of this "phenomenon" to me, but I'd still think it was magic or something.) I just find it humorous that even though I've been on airplanes so many times, I don't enjoy flying. I don't dislike it, but it certainly isn't something I've made a hobby out of.

Part of this might be that I'm often flying alone. This is one activity, however, that will get better with age. I still remember when I had to travel alone as a mere child and was required to wear a silly plastic pouch around my neck with my boarding pass and all of my information in it should you find my mutilated carcass somewhere. After all, it seemed inevitable that I would get attacked with that pouch around my neck that more or less screamed, "Look! Child traveling ALONE! Please abduct me!" I no longer have to wear that ridiculous target and traveling alone has been more tolerable (although I do miss the perks of being carted around by those airport car things which are for young helpless children and really old people) but one does get pretty lonely when one has no one to talk to thousands of feet up in the air. I guess I've never really noticed and therefore never minded that much, but after these last several days I've never hated being alone more and having no one to talk to but overwhelmingly large men who take up all of their seats and then some (meaning mine) or hygiene-challenged dudes who smell funny and force me to blast the air thing which only covers up some of the ... scent ... and turns me into a Jane-sicle. If I were traveling with another person, I wouldn't have to sit next to the strangest strangers. So to modify a previous statement, I don't enjoy flying alone.

After being on four different aircrafts in the past three days, memorizing that whole speech about seats being upright and seatbelts on at all times incase of turbulence, eating too many airplane pretzels, popping my ears until I had a headache, and having my suitcase lost by the airline only to have it recovered too late with all of the contents mysteriously moistened, I think I was glad to get off of the plane one last time today and be home, even though I would've liked to have stayed in Raleigh longer. I can honestly say that Pittsburgh has one of the best and most welcoming airports ever (and I've seen a lot). They play orchestral music while you're waiting -- no, HOPING -- for your luggage at baggage claim. In fact, the piece that happened to be playing as I stood staring at the baggage claim metal belt thing (I've always contemplated riding that thing since I was young) made me think of Jeff for reasons unbeknownst to me and suddenly the tears just started pouring out of my eyes. Unfortunately, another thing about being by yourself in an airport is that you can't explain your grief to anyone because they won't have an idea who or what you're talking about. They'll just give you funny looks as you sit in a corner by yourself and wallow in your sadness and woe.

Anyway, I've returned, I'm attending school tomorrow (why do I still go?), and I'll be seeing you.

I'LL BE SEEING YOU! ... will be performed for the last time during the Senior Honors choral concert tomorrow at 7:30. I think it's free ... ish and Mr. Cannon really tried to make it shorter this year. AND. If you happen to have some free time and $1000 on Saturday evening, pop over to the Benedum to watch Jane dance in the Pittsburgh Opera Gala. If you're not free and/or you don't have $1000, then I suggest you keep Memorial Day weekend open and about $10 on hand to see Jane dance a solo in the Folk Festival. I'll have to figure out which day it is.

I'm here, I'm feeling better (sort of), and talking's good.

Posted at 5/16/2006 2:05:06 pm by sponJaneous
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Thursday, May 11, 2006

If I could have just one wish ...

I would wish to start my life over.

I would wish to start my life over because I've really screwed this one up.

Everytime something good comes into my life I somehow involuntarily destroy it. Everytime someone has actually truly cared about me I ruin it. Everytime I make a promise I fail to keep it. Everytime I tell myself that I'll turn a new leaf over and change for the better it doesn't happen. Everytime I try to fix something I make it worse.

I complain about how my life is terrible but it's mostly my fault. I fail to give people chances, I always always always lose touch with people that I was insanely close to at one point, and I never ask for answers that I probably deserve. I don't always stand up for myself. I've never taken a chance on anything. I don't believe I have ever thanked anyone as much as I should. I sometimes push people away and take things for granted. I can be extremely superficial and selfish and I can frequently be found worrying about stupid things that really just don't matter.

And every so often a day such as today comes around and I suddenly realize that it's too late to do anything ... Maybe I SHOULD'VE risked it. Maybe I SHOULD'VE given that person a chance. Maybe I SHOULD'VE gotten around to writing that letter or making that phone call to let someone know how much I care. In the end there is no one to blame but myself because I cannot swallow my pride. So what do I have to be proud of presently? Wrecking everything?

I guess there are some unfortunate occurrences in my life that perhaps I didn't really bring about, but it kills me and makes me angry that I'm always wasting my time wondering where it went wrong, and I KNOW that I'll never confront the people involved. I often want to just grab and shake the people and yell at them and show them how much they hurt me and "demand and explanation," as Jess said. I know that I never will though ... I'll just always let things slide whether I should or shouldn't, and eventually everything will appear to be perfect regardless of how much pain I've just learned to bury away so that I don't have to face any troubles or problems.

To everyone: Thank you and I'm sorry. I've only been able to handle all of this because I have amazing friends like you.

R.I.P. Jeff Ryan 5.11.06 - You were like a father to me and you meant so much more to me than I ever let on and I am sorry that I never truly thanked you for showing me nothing but loving kindness.

To the Lambe/Marchok/Ryan family: I will never be able to thank you enough for EVERYTHING. I am sure that I cannot begin to understand and feel all of the pain that you are undoubtedly fighting through at this moment, but please know that you are in my thoughts.

Posted at 5/11/2006 9:30:38 pm by sponJaneous
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Tuesday, May 09, 2006

"If I threw my guitar out the window ..."

After this week ...

I'll be able to actually stop doing work and I'll be able to stop caring.

I'll regain my peripheral vision when I can stop wearing glasses and resume wearing contacts. This morning my eyes were so dry from being open all of the time (because I don't sleep anymore) that when I put my contacts in I was huddled in the corner of the bathroom with tears streaming down my face ... half of these were from my eyes trying to moisturize my eyes and the other half were from my crying because the stinging pain was so agonizing that I could barely get the contacts out. It was really cute.

I will reintroduce myself to my bed, pillow, the insides of my eyelids, and dreams.

I will find a prom date. Man, everyone happily talks about prom and then there's Jane the reject who is apparently too much of a freak to be asked by normal kids. Heck, I'm probably even too much of a freak to be asked by not normal kids. I should probably just grow a pair and ask someone for myself but I'm too terrified and I don't even know who I would want to ask. It would probably help if I knew who was available. Why don't guys wear signs that indicate that they are available with a list of girls that they'd be willing to accompany to prom? I think my (and my friends') problem is that I set my standards too high and while I'd probably go with just about anyone, I'm still shallow enough that there are certain people I wouldn't really want to go with. WHY can't I be a nice person? Laura and I talked about this today; we can find the bad in just about every person and we're way too critical. Can't I be one of those people who finds the good in every person? Don't get me wrong, we realize there are tons of things wrong with us (or just me; I'll speak for myself), but COME ON ... this is slightly ridiculous. Just about EVERYONE has a date except for the majority of my circle. Is there seriously something terribly terribly wrong with us? This is so LAME. Fox Chapel is so STUPID.

I will start admitting that I may be responsible for certain problems in my life and stop blaming other people/things.

Schner and I will properly plan this huge graduation party shindig celebration gala. (You're invited.)

I will do everything else I want to do but can't remember at the moment because my brain is overflowing with school crap.

Unfortunately, I will first have to pass my graduation project, keep myself from leaping out of a window, not fail my stats test on Friday, be a normal member of society, make more friends (especially of the male variety), toughen up, be nice, and stop complaining.

Phew.

If all goes according to plan ...

.Sheep Go to Heaven - Cake.

Posted at 5/9/2006 8:19:31 pm by sponJaneous
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