Taking applications for my summer beau ...
I hope this doesn't depress you, Paul.
It's amazing how quickly I can empty my brain of seemingly useless
information. A few days away from school and I've already
forgotten how to read speed limit signs as I race off to the next
graduation party while grooving to stoner music. And I wonder why
no one wants to hire me.
Everyday
is the same thing. It's become predictable to the point where I
don't even see why I need to waste pages in my journal detailing each
day when I could just as easily write, "See yesterday." I wake
up, I practice piano, I waste time on the internet, I party, I chill, I
read, and I sleep. Eating is a constant activity throughout all
of this. I hate waking up, my piano's out of tune again, even my
Facebook addiction is wearing off (Facebook really alters the meaning
of the word "friend"), graduation parties mean getting fat and seeing
the same group of friends over and over and over again (I love them,
but I'm not seeing anyone new), hanging out and talking after parties
usually just ends with my being sad about something (probably the fact
that I don't have a hot tub like Nathalia's), my list of books to read
is forever growing, and I've already successfully screwed up my
sleeping patterns. I love eating. I need some more variety
in my life.
The
fact that I've just been feeling detached from reality probably isn't
helping either though. I'll THINK that I'm happy or sad or bored
but I won't FEEL happy or sad or bored. I'm actually not even
thinking that much anymore and when I do, it doesn't make sense.
If I see a street, I cross it ... Nevermind the honking car shooting
down the street towards me. I feel the desire to do something and
I do it. I want to say something and it just comes out of my
mouth. Who cares about what's going on around me? I'm only
half-listening to things people say while thinking about who knows what
... If you asked, I probably wouldn't be able to tell you what I just
heard or what I was turning over in my mind. I've stopped
thinking, "OK, I'm going to do this now." It just sort of
happens. By the next day I can't remember details of the previous
day. It's as if I'm permanently getting that feeling I get
everytime I'm performing or being recognized for something.
Before I dance onto stage or walk into a scene to recite my lines I'm
overly aware of my surroundings, but then when I begin playing the
piano in a recital or I'm walking across the stage to get my diploma
I'm not conscious of anything until I'm back in the audience or hidden
in the wings. I couldn't tell you what was happening around
me. I couldn't remember what I was thinking. I couldn't
recall what I heard. I couldn't remember if I did this step or
said this line or shook his hand. At one point my mind just
blocks everything out and I become a robot on autopilot, going through
the motions without realizing it, and after the fact, I only have very
vague memories. It's hard to explain, but this is how I've been
for a while now. Nothing matters that much and I don't get that
worked up about anything. "Oh, that's cool. Man, that
sucks. Hahaha, that is hilarious!" I know how I'm supposed
to think and feel and react, but it doesn't happen and I just perform
the actions that I'm expected to.
I need to light something on fire.
.There There - Radiohead.
